What If Wladimir Klitschko Was Your P.E.* Teacher?

While I understand that this would probably NEVER be the case, and that having a Doctoral degree in Sports Science in no way relegates one to teaching P.E. classes, humor me. After all it could always happen, although probably in some alternate universe where he wasn’t a multi-millionaire and Vitali wasn’t the current mayor of Kiev.

First (and in my opinion, most important), would his name be Dr. Klitschko or Dr. Steelhammer? Because if I’m a tenth grader who has just received my class schedule you can be damn sure I’m not going to any gym class taught by a Dr. Steelhammer. (Or a Dr. Klitschko, to be fair. Or just any P.E. class in general, I hated sports back then.) Aside from the fact that the name Dr. Steelhammer is intimidating as is, let’s not ignore the pornographic implications that come (pun intended [Also-Editor’s Note-It’s really hard  (SEE?!) to write that sentence without some sort of sexual innuendo being attached to it]) along with a name like Dr. Steelhammer. I would imagine that trying to get through a semester with Dr. Steelhammer would be akin to constantly attempting to ignore a giant silver cock in the room.  His name itself would present the daunting, semester-long task of refraining from dick jokes and awkward giggling. (And I’m sure there would be absolute hell to pay for all of the giggling in the form of push-ups. Oh push-ups.)

But it’s not like Dr. Klitschko would be any better. Ukrainians are scary, and anyone who disagrees is either Ukrainian or hasn’t seen “The Orphan.” (And sidenote, what is the deal with Klitschko family nicknames? “Dr. Ironfist?” NO. At what point were “Dr. Klitschko” and “Other Dr. Klitschko” ruled out as potential monikers?)

Second, the guy (and his brother) are on a freaking postage stamp. The 2010 Ukrainian stamp, to be exact. How do you even begin the feat of impressing someone at that level of athletic prowess with your feeble attempts at Kickball? Not happening. I wonder if Kickball is even allowed in the Klitschkonian Era (again, humor me) of P.E., or if it’s nothing but that weird exercise with a sledgehammer and a tire or the Ann Wolfe form of training using pads and a truck. (Shoutout, Texas!)

And supposing Kickball (or any other team sport) were allowed under Klitschko’s reign, how on Earth would teams be picked? In the normal fashion, by appointing team captains or assigning numbers or perhaps more in the Shirley Jackson form of lottery? (Which I suppose would truly only work if you had an uneven number of students, anyway.)

Last (although this might not seem important), the guy speaks four languages. FOUR. What if he decides to switch things up one day and busts out in a new language that no one understands? And THEN, what if he made everyone who didn’t understand that language do push-ups as punishment?! I guess if you’re looking on the bright side, everyone would be swole. But at what price?

At what price?

Still on the Twitter: @junk_n_trunx

*P.E.=Physical Education, for those of you who aren’t down with South Texas slang. We can’t be bothered with a lot of syllables here, y’all. It’s hot.


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