I hate that I’m writing about AB, y’all, I really do. But he’s given me a reason to do it, and when you’re given a gift like this you don’t just return it for store credit and walk away. A recap, for those of you who have smartly decided to abstain from all things Broner: Broner (who should really probably stay away from all forms of social media but for some reason just can’t) posted a picture on Instagram earlier this week and rapper Tekashi 6ix9nine replied with “Clown.”
Most would have ignored that, because although I guess it could be considered inflammatory, it’s fairly innocuous overall and I’m pretty sure Broner’s been called way, way worse. But since he loves attention, Broner quickly responded with a video rant that I refuse to watch but have read a transcription of (a bad decision) basically refuting 6ix9ine’s claim, stating that the only thing that has a red nose where he comes from is a pit bull (which is a flat out lie because we all know that Rudolph travels worldwide on Christmas Eve). Broner ended the rant by threatening to “pull up” on the rapper when he arrives in New York for fight week.
6ix9ine responded by telling AB that he has $100K on him losing the fight to Jesse Vargas on Saturday, which I honestly found kind of funny and is really one of the best ways to respond to something like that unless Broner actually wins the fight. He also invited Broner to “pull up” while in New York, which I’m guessing isn’t just a polite invite from the self-proclaimed “King of the City” to hang out. Allegedly, the bet then went up to $300,000 and I could have sworn that I later saw Broner post a picture on social media of a check for $300,000 made out to 6ix9ine which was confusing but by that time I was done with the whole thing so I didn’t look into it any further.
Being completely unfamiliar with 6ix9ine up until this point, I have no opinon of him other than I really like his hair. But this incident made me start thinking about which rappers are truly the ones that you don’t want to fuck with. The scariest of the scary, even. The ones who, when people say “I know people” ARE the “people”. And this illustrious list begins with none other than:
4./3. Kanye and Drake
Kind of a let down, right? I mean, I built it up as “oooooh scary rappers who do bad things, who could it be” and then start it with two of seemingly least intimidating guys in the business. I mean, Kanye isn’t nearly as scary as the family that he married into. And Drake, (who the best of you will remember from “Degrassi: The New Generation” as Jimmy Brooks, the formerly mobile turned wheelchair bound all-American-but-Canadian high school basketball star who dated Ashley for way too long to make sense because she was super emotional and he could have done better just in general) strikes fear in the hearts of no one.
These two are so un-scary on their own, in fact, that it took thier powers combined to make a really bad decision that landed them on this list in the first place. Now, bad decision making on it’s own is not in and of itself a supremely scary thing. And of course, all bad decisions are not weighted equally. Streaking, for example, is probably a bad decision. Funny, but maybe not the best idea. Playing basketball with some friends and then enjoying a bowl of banana pudding afterward, not such a bad decision. Unless you do it with this guy…..
2. Ninja from Die Antwoord
I’M NOT DIAGNOSING ANYBODY BUT THIS MAN IS SCARY AND MAYBE A LITTLE UNHINGED BUT ALSO SUPER ENTERTAINING AND YOU HAVE TO WATCH DIE ANTWOORD LIVE TO GET IT and now I’m done yelling.
It’s hard to refute that Ninja seems…….a little rough, to say the least, and if you’ve ever heard any of Die Antwoord’s music it’s absolutely congruent with his image. Maybe it’s just that Afrikaans sounds really, really scary to this American, or maybe it’s the fact that the majority of the lyrics to their songs are truly fucked up, but I wholeheartedly and absolutely without a shadow of a doubt would not want Ninja to know where I lived regardless of the presence of a legion of heavily armed security guards.
And yet, Kanye invited him to his house to hang out and then took him next door to play basketball with Drake (and others). I don’t tell this story nearly as good as Ninja himself does, so definitely look it up. But trust me when I say this-Ninja is your worst nightmare. Whatever the quintessential scary thing hiding in your closet was as a child, Ninja fully embodies it, happily so. And the fact that Kanye and Drake chose to invite him to their homes (so now the nightmare knows where you live) and then spend a day hanging out with him speaks volumes to what evil they are capable of.
Y’all can fight me on this if you want, but Jay-Z is definitely the scariest rapper of our current time. Jay-Z is like the big red button that you push to make the world end in the most gangster and unimaginable way possible, because his public image is so professional and polished and classy, but if you’ve read his book you know that there’s another side to him that’s downright terrifying. He’s the dichotomy of good vs. evil, the epitome of swagger vs. sin, and let’s just say that if I were Beyonce’s parents I wouldn’t have let her date Jay-Z to begin with. Also, Solange is either a brave motherfucker or the biggest idiot on the planet.
Part of Jay-Z’s scariness comes from how utterly calm he is. I mean, sure, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, but he seems like the type of guy who could off someone in the middle of the street with his bare hands and not even feel nervous about it. He also seemingly exists without fear of the causes of his actions, because y’all-he signed Rigondeaux to Roc Nation Sports, and we all could have told him how that was going to work out. Jay-Z is so scary, even, that I’m a little nervous about publishing a blog wherein I talk about how scary Jay-Z is.
But who knows, right? Maybe Drake and Kanye’s next decision will be finger painting. Maybe Ninja will join them, if he’s not too busy playing with puppies or running in slow motion through a field of flowers somewhere. Maybe Jay-Z is really just someone’s dad, and he spends a lot of time telling his kids to close the door to the refrigerator and the front door so as to not let all of the cold air out.
If y’all want to hang out, find me on Twitter @littlejenna37