Inside the Mind of Brandon Rios

This post could just as easily be called “What’s Going on in Brandon Rios’s Head Aside from Heavy Rotation of the Word ‘Fuck’”?

Last week brought with it the news of a bout between Danny Garcia and Brandon Rios, and I couldn’t be more excited about it. This is mostly due to my love of Rios, but also largely in part to my deep dislike of Danny Garcia. (Warning: For some reason, I’m unable to refer to Danny Garcia as anything other than his full name or an expletive, both of which will probably make their presence known here. Also-trigger warning-Angel Garcia is mentioned, in case you need a toilet or trash can nearby for the impending violent dry heaving that is sure to occur upon the mere mention of his name. On second thought, just read this entire piece while either on or near a toilet.) I also just enjoy watching Rios in all his unhinged glory, and the first Rios vs. Alvarado fight will remain one of my all time favorites.

I’m elated over this fight for two reasons: 1.) From what I’ve seen of Danny Garcia (which isn’t much, because refer back to the first paragraph where I talk about how I can’t stand him) he’s not a very interesting fighter. Yes, he pushes the gas pedal when necessary and one really can’t deny his talent (I’ve tried), but I’ve yet to see anything too impressive in the way of an all out, toe-to-to brawl; and 2.) Rios is batshit crazy, and I mean that in a good way. One of things I find most intriguing about Rios is that the guy smiles everytime he’s punched in the face, and  I’m not sure Danny Garcia will know how to handle that.  (To be fair, I’m also not sure that anyone save for a trained professional knows how to deal with that.) 

It’s not the smile itself that mystifies me, but what the smile represents-an absolute, all out war mentality with a fuck-you-I’m-not-quitting attitude.  That, or Rios is just thinking about when he’s going to get his next scoop of Baskin Robbins. Either way, join me below as I delve deeper into the elusive meaning of the smile behind the punch. 

1. Ice Cream

Who doesn’t smile when they think of ice cream? (Aside from vegans and the lactose intolerant, and even then they’ve taken it upon themselves to invent lactose-free and soy ice cream, so my point still stands.)   The mere thought of Rocky Road has evoked mirth in even the most stoic of humans, and the Dalai Lama himself once said “If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito in the room.” Granted, this has nothing to do with ice cream, but when I googled “Quotes about Ice Cream from Major World Leaders” it was either this or some quote from Steve Jobs that isn’t nearly as cool. (Ha. Ha.)

Anyway, ice cream can move mountains and solve the problems of the people, both big and small, and for that it’s deserving of a a smirk at the very least.  Ice cream brings people together, and  I’m pretty sure I even know Rios’s favorite flavor:

                                                                   Stop shaking your head, we all saw this coming.

2. Dogs

 Everyone loves dogs, even those who say they’re allergic or claim to be immune to the charming powers of the canine.   While I can’t be absolutely certain what kind of dog Rios is thinking of while grinning (and I hope like hell it isn’t a chihuahua), I’m sure that some lucky pooch somewhere has captured his heart-and yes-his smile. 


                                 This isn’t Rios’s dog. This is my dog, who is clearly not a Golovkin fan.
3. Trick-or-Treating

Training camp be damned, Halloween is coming up and Rios has kids. Trick-or-treating is a rite of passage for all children, teenagers, and those few lucky adults over the age of 23 who are the same height as a fifth grader and are acting as the chaperone for their 10 year old niece.  ‘Tis the season for Kit Kat, Butterfinger, and those really cool Reese’s pumpkins as it truly is the most wonderful time of the year.  Besides, even if he has no interest in candy he can still sport a badass costume. (But never one of those lame t-shirts that says “This is my Costume,” only derelicts and Pennywise [not the band] wear those. )

                                                               Someone gave Danny Garcia a rock 😦  
4. The Smell of a New Book

I’m not sure how one would  physically carry this out, but take all of your previous notions and pre-formed ideas about traditionally good smelling things and get rid of them (probably a good idea to do this on a bulky item collection day), because friends, few smells induce a smile like the smell of a new book.  Although his image might suggest otherwise, Rios could secretly be a bibliophile of massive proportions, hell-bent on sustaining the image of a shorter, lighter, foul-mouthed modern-day Rocky.

Picture this, if you will: An obviously tired Rios, exhausted and spent after a long day of training, collapses into a red leather arm chair with a hardback tome. Possibly “War and Peace,” or perhaps the ninth installation in the Harry Potter series, whose title I can’t remember but which was long as fuck and really intimidating looking at first glance.  


                                       Not buying it? Me either, but here’s a picture of a book anyway.
5. (And most likely): Beating the Shit out of Angel Garcia
When you really think about it, this makes either the least amount of sense or the most amount of sense. While it’s somewhat likely that in truth Brandon was never thinking of beating up Angel Garcia until quite recently, it is far MORE likely that he’s really been pondering the idea since he was in the womb.  Because surely, deep down inside all of us there’s a tiny, sweet piece of something that yearns for the day when Angel Garcia will get caught by the cheapest of shots as a consequence for his annoying and ever present running mouth. 

And who better to deliver this shot than Rios himself? It’s almost as if Brandon were privy to the knowledge that Angel Garcia was destined to become a douchebag of immense proportions before Angel Garcia came to fulfill this prophecy. And Rios, being the gift from God that he is (along with breakfast tacos) was sent from the spiritual world to the physical in order to vanquish this, our true mortal enemy.  But not, like, kill him or anything. Just shut him up for a minute.  With his fists.

 (Those are either boxing gloves or Rios is suffering from the same affliction as Evan Peters on “AHS: Freak Show.” Also, here I’ve            reduced Brandon’s communication skills to that of a Pokemon.)

I’ll continue to hope that Angel Garcia will someday stop talking (thought not as a result of any bodily or neurological harm and by choice only ) on Twitter at @littlejenna37 or at junkinthetrunks37@gmail.com

                                                                         

One Two Combo: Chisme and Review

I slacked. I meant to review the Brook vs. Dan, Charlo vs. Martirosyan, and Russell vs. Gonzalez fights earlier this week but……I didn’t. (Oops.) So here they are today with a Chisme article at the end.

Kell Brook vs. Jo Jo Dan

In honor of this being the first fight I’ve ever seen broadcast from England I decided at first to write this in the style of a Bridget Jones diary entry, but that turned out to be more difficult than I anticipated so y’all are stuck with the ugly American version. First and foremost, I (and I’m sure most of the world) was taken aback when I noticed that Michael Buffer was wearing glasses.  In the five-ish years that I’ve been a boxing fan, I’ve never seen the man sport eyewear. And here’s further proof:

IMG_0233

(See? This picture was taken in 2014. NO GLASSES.) One can only assume that he was trying to look extra distinguished since he was in England. Or that he left his contacts at home.

Also noteworthy was the fact that the bell signaling the beginning and end of the rounds sounded different and more like an alarm than what I’ve become used to. But by far, my very favourite (see what I did there) difference between British and American live boxing was the announcer AND THE ENTIRE CROWD counting to ten after a boxer (let’s be real-after Dan) was knocked down. What a fun thing to do. And what an amazing idea for a drinking game. Next fight in England I see, I’m drinking for the duration of the counting. (Always good to have a plan, kids).

Now, on to the actual boxing.  Dan was absolutely outclassed by Brook.  It was almost as if it was a one-sided fight. At one point in the third round (I believe), one of the announcers described it as being akin to “target practice” for Brook, and I couldn’t agree more. Dan couldn’t handle Brooks straight right or his uppercut, and aside from the first round spent a fair amount of time wobbling on his legs or hugging the canvas. (And then he started in with a move that is not unlike something my dog does-he kept leading with his head. Weird). One of the lines in the notes I took for this post says, “Has this guy won any rounds?” (Answer: Nope). The fourth round stoppage by Dan’s corner was a smart move, as he couldn’t have endured any more.

And then came Brook’s call out of Khan-Rios (WTF)-Marquez for a June fight, finally settling on a call out of Khan in what was one of the best uses of the English language ever, including pointing out Khan’s “delicate whiskers” and the fact that there is no viable opponent for a June 13th fight. Did Khan take the bait? See below in Chisme for more. (Cliffhanger…)

Jermell Charlo vs. Vanes Martirosyan

My favorite thing about Jermell Charlo is that his twin’s name is Jermall. And that they wore matching trunks (WITH THE TEXAS FLAG ON THEM!!) for this fight. Delightful. My favorite thing about Vanes “The Nightmare” Martirosyan is that his eyebrows live up to his boxing nickname. This was an excellent match up, all kidding aside. Although the pace wasn’t overly quick or exciting and it lacked any real stand out moments (aside from the “accidental clash of heads” in Round 8), it was an interesting and engaging fight nonetheless. I don’t agree with the decision being given to Charlo (which says a lot, y’all, since he’s a Texan), as I believe that Martirosyan won that fight, but it was a fun fight to watch and both boxers performed wonderfully. I’d love to see a rematch.

Russell vs. Gonzalez

This is probably going to be about as quick as the fight was. Russell performed immaculately in this bout, and totally outclassed Gonzalez. I’d only seen Russell fight once before this (against Lomachenko) and I was glad that more of his talent was showcased in this fight. Russell is lightning-quick and an extremelly intelligent fighter. I really enjoyed waching him work. Gonzalez was no match for him, and after three knockdowns the third and fourth round it was all over.

Nonito Donaire vs. That other guy

I didn’t actually watch this, becuase it wasn’t being broadcast in the US and I wasn’t anywhere near desperate enough to find it online to stream, but Donaire won in what was a two round shutout. There may be hope for the little guy yet.

Chisme

After offering a “winner takes all” sort of bout to Kell Brook (which he accepted) where, well, the winner would take all of the money and the loser would, um, lose, Amir Khan dodged even a Broner call out and decided to fight Chris fucking Algieri instead. For those of you who don’t know who Algieri is (which is probably all of you), he’s the guy who was gifted a win over Provodnikov (IMO) and then went on to taste the canvas during damn near every round against Pacquaio last winter. Ridiculous. As a result, I’ve officially renounced my fanship of Amir Khan. (But I haven’t unfollowed him on Instagram yet, because he takes really fun pictures). I’m not going to become the person who says “I’m so mad that I’m not watching this fight” because I will, but I refuse to enjoy it (which is really just a by-product of the matchup. Who besides Algieri’s brother and Khan’s family could actually enjoy this fight?!)

Floyd reported that he’s not going to trash talk Manny because he’s wiser now, but I’m pretty sure his dad will take care of all of that mess for him.

Manny is closing the gym to the public on April 15 because he needs to focus.

Ali allegedly picked Manny to win, but later stated that this isn’t true and he hasn’t actually made a prediction yet.

Floyd’s odds have reportedly shrunk to-180 at a Vegas sportsbook because some very rich dude placed two $50k bets on Manny. Two things I don’t understand about this: 1). How this whole betting thing works, and 2). Why wasn’t it reported as “Rich guy bets $100k on Manny” instead of “Two $50k bets.”

And that’s about it, y’all. No more slacking next time. And we’re getting closer and closer to the big day, so that’s something to keep you awake in anticipation about.