To All the Boxers I’ve Loved Before

Naoya Inoue, you’re my favorite boxer
Fans really like you, they call you the “Monster”
You’re small like me and your hair used to be orange-y
Everyone’s afraid of the power of your punchies
You knock out opponents like it’s no big thing
Usually right after the bell in the first few rounds goes “ding”
I’m not really sure how I should end this po-em
But just know that, to me, you are the bo-mb

Rios, Rios, you say “fuck” a lot
And that is something that I can really get behind
The End.

Mario Barrios you’re from San Antonio
Your name rhymes and that’s really cool-io
I’ve been a fan for about two years
We even took a picture together, in it I’m holding a beer (this happens a lot)
You’re 23-0, fo sho
From you I’m expecting years of greatness + mo

Teofimo Lopez, I think the English translation of your name is “Ted”
You got a lot of backlash recently for pretending that your opponent was dead
I didn’t see the big deal, it was part of your spiel
You also did a flip, just like a seal
You’re a badass, something real grand
A lot of damage has been done by your hands
You seem to me a real businessman, you box and put on a show
I hope that your time in the ring isn’t limited, though
And that you don’t lose to Lomachenko

Amir Khan, remember when Danny Garcia KO’d you in the third round?
Me too, that’s why I don’t like him.
End.

Saul “Canelo” Alvarez, I like your red hair
Some of your training happens in Big Bear
I’m going to stop writing about you for un momento
To mention that Shane Mosely lives in B.B. with his monkey, Tito
You met Tito on an episode of “All Access” if I’m not mistaken
Your affinity for whom there was no fakin’
I hope I’m not making this up because that would be weird
By other boxers you are quite feared
You’ve been given some wins that I don’t agree with, though
And also a horse by the mayor of Tepic, Mexico (according to Wiki)
This makes me a little mad, I want a horse too
If ever gifted a pig I’m not speaking to you

Keith Thurman, you like to play the flute
At your wedding you did not wear a suit
You took two years off and this made me real sad
I bet when you hurt your hand you were mad
You say funny things, but what you should know
Is that I think you lose if you fight Pacquaio

Gennady Gennadyevich Golovkin, you have have a really cool name
The first and middle are almost the same
In the past, you fought David Lemieux
I like his hair, it looks really cool
I also like you, I like box, I like Max
That loss to Canelo I felt was some crap
You definitely won the first fight that’s for sure
That victory was stolen by Adelaide Byrd
I completely forgot that you have a twin
I’m not sure the world can handle two GGG-like men

Oh Loma, what else is there to say?
A rare individual you are every day
You’re funny and endearing, you sure charm a crowd
Sometimes when you land a punch it is loud
As I write this my dog is snoring
Nothing about your fights is ever boring
You have a good attitude while training it seems
If you start one, Usyk should be on your dance team
Your footwork is great, it’s really advanced
It’s also fun to watch you do headstands

Twitter: @littlejenna37

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Inside the Mind of Brandon Rios

This post could just as easily be called “What’s Going on in Brandon Rios’s Head Aside from Heavy Rotation of the Word ‘Fuck’”?

Last week brought with it the news of a bout between Danny Garcia and Brandon Rios, and I couldn’t be more excited about it. This is mostly due to my love of Rios, but also largely in part to my deep dislike of Danny Garcia. (Warning: For some reason, I’m unable to refer to Danny Garcia as anything other than his full name or an expletive, both of which will probably make their presence known here. Also-trigger warning-Angel Garcia is mentioned, in case you need a toilet or trash can nearby for the impending violent dry heaving that is sure to occur upon the mere mention of his name. On second thought, just read this entire piece while either on or near a toilet.) I also just enjoy watching Rios in all his unhinged glory, and the first Rios vs. Alvarado fight will remain one of my all time favorites.

I’m elated over this fight for two reasons: 1.) From what I’ve seen of Danny Garcia (which isn’t much, because refer back to the first paragraph where I talk about how I can’t stand him) he’s not a very interesting fighter. Yes, he pushes the gas pedal when necessary and one really can’t deny his talent (I’ve tried), but I’ve yet to see anything too impressive in the way of an all out, toe-to-to brawl; and 2.) Rios is batshit crazy, and I mean that in a good way. One of things I find most intriguing about Rios is that the guy smiles everytime he’s punched in the face, and  I’m not sure Danny Garcia will know how to handle that.  (To be fair, I’m also not sure that anyone save for a trained professional knows how to deal with that.)

It’s not the smile itself that mystifies me, but what the smile represents-an absolute, all out war mentality with a fuck-you-I’m-not-quitting attitude.  That, or Rios is just thinking about when he’s going to get his next scoop of Baskin Robbins. Either way, join me below as I delve deeper into the elusive meaning of the smile behind the punch.

1. Ice Cream

Who doesn’t smile when they think of ice cream? (Aside from vegans and the lactose intolerant, and even then they’ve taken it upon themselves to invent lactose-free and soy ice cream, so my point still stands.)   The mere thought of Rocky Road has evoked mirth in even the most stoic of humans, and the Dalai Lama himself once said “If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito in the room.” Granted, this has nothing to do with ice cream, but when I googled “Quotes about Ice Cream from Major World Leaders” it was either this or some quote from Steve Jobs that isn’t nearly as cool. (Ha. Ha.)

Anyway, ice cream can move mountains and solve the problems of the people, both big and small, and for that it’s deserving of a a smirk at the very least.

2. Dogs

Everyone loves dogs, even those who say they’re allergic or claim to be immune to the charming powers of the canine.   While I can’t be absolutely certain what kind of dog Rios is thinking of while grinning (and I hope like hell it isn’t a chihuahua), I’m sure that some lucky pooch somewhere has captured his heart-and yes-his smile.


This isn’t Rios’s dog. This is my dog, who is clearly not a Golovkin fan.
3. Trick-or-Treating

Training camp be damned, Halloween is coming up and Rios has kids. Trick-or-treating is a rite of passage for all children, teenagers, and those few lucky adults over the age of 23 who are the same height as a fifth grader and are acting as the chaperone for their 10 year old niece.  ‘Tis the season for Kit Kat, Butterfinger, and those really cool Reese’s pumpkins as it truly is the most wonderful time of the year.  Besides, even if he has no interest in candy he can still sport a badass costume. (But never one of those lame t-shirts that says “This is my Costume,” only derelicts and Pennywise [not the band] wear those. )

4. The Smell of a New Book

I’m not sure how one would  physically carry this out, but take all of your previous notions and pre-formed ideas about traditionally good smelling things and get rid of them (probably a good idea to do this on a bulky item collection day), because friends, few smells induce a smile like the smell of a new book.  Although his image might suggest otherwise, Rios could secretly be a bibliophile of massive proportions, hell-bent on sustaining the image of a shorter, lighter, foul-mouthed modern-day Rocky.

Picture this, if you will: An obviously tired Rios, exhausted and spent after a long day of training, collapses into a red leather arm chair with a hardback tome. Possibly “War and Peace,” or perhaps the ninth installation in the Harry Potter series, whose title I can’t remember but which was long as fuck and really intimidating looking at first glance.


Not buying it? Me either, but here’s a picture of a book anyway.
5. (And most likely): Beating the Shit out of Angel Garcia
When you really think about it, this makes either the least amount of sense or the most amount of sense. While it’s somewhat likely that in truth Brandon was never thinking of beating up Angel Garcia until quite recently, it is far MORE likely that he’s really been pondering the idea since he was in the womb.  Because surely, deep down inside all of us there’s a tiny, sweet piece of something that yearns for the day when Angel Garcia will get caught by the cheapest of shots as a consequence for his annoying and ever present running mouth.

And who better to deliver this shot than Rios himself? It’s almost as if Brandon were privy to the knowledge that Angel Garcia was destined to become a douchebag of immense proportions before Angel Garcia came to fulfill this prophecy. And Rios, being the gift from God that he is (along with breakfast tacos) was sent from the spiritual world to the physical in order to vanquish this, our true mortal enemy.  But not, like, kill him or anything. Just shut him up for a minute.  With his fists.

(Those are either boxing gloves or Rios is suffering from the same affliction as Evan Peters on “AHS: Freak Show.” Also, here I’ve            reduced Brandon’s communication skills to that of a Pokemon.)

I’ll continue to hope that Angel Garcia will someday stop talking (thought not as a result of any bodily or neurological harm and by choice only ) on Twitter at @littlejenna37 or at junkinthetrunks37@gmail.com