GGG vs Canelo: Choose Your Babysitter

Close your eyes, my friends (after you read this intro, that is) and picture with me the front door to your residence. The doorbell rings unexpectedly, you aren’t expecting company, and since you’re nothing like me you answer it anyway. On the front step are two very recognizable men, one in a suit and one in a shirt emblazoned with the initials “CA” (I assume this is their normal walking-around wear). From the outstretched hand of the suited man is a flier with the words “Need a Babysitter? Please call: …..” (only there’s really a number there not a bunch of dots).

The men in front of you are none other than Gennady Golovkin and Canelo Alvarez, and for some untold reason they’ve become babysitters.

Clearly, you’re a bit angry as they’ve ignored the “no soliciting” policy of the neighborhood. But you quickly forget this anger, as  at the very least they aren’t peddling the shitty Chinese restaurant up the street, an irritating occurrence you’ve become used to. And also-it’s GGG and Canelo. You politely accept the flier, shake hands with both, and close the door (after telling Canelo that he lost to Lara). Now you’re faced with a bigger problem: which one do you choose?

Luckily, I’ve done the hard work for you. After extensive hours of research on the subject, I present a comparison of how the two men stack up in the most crucially super important points to consider in selecting a sitter for your child. (Or adult. I don’t know your life. )  Read below to reach enlightenment:

Birth Order

Birth order could certainly serve as an important factor in choosing a caregiver for your child. After all, in multi-children households, who else do irresponsible parents often look to as a “suitable” caregiver but the older sibling? As the youngest child and only girl in the family, I was countlessly left in the care of my two older brothers- one of whom openly hated me (it’s not his fault, I was clearly the favorite) and the other who often took to pelting the-one-who-hated-me and me with pennies or anything else within arm’s reach when the mood struck him. (There were also several incidents that involved me being tied to a chair with my jump rope and a sock stuffed into my mouth because I was being “too loud and annoying” [lies], but there’s another time and place for those anecdotes.)

At any rate, even though the experiences frequently include incidents that one might equate to child abuse, baby sitting a sibling could easily provide one with the experience necessary to be a caregiver for a child. Unfortunately, for this particular dilemma, both are the youngest in their families. However, GGG IS a twin, and while I’m not certain who was born first I’m gonna go with it was him for the purposes of this article. Clearly, this puts him in a position of superiority over his seconds-to-minutes younger brother and gives him the upper hand in this category.

Number of Children Legally Assigned to Them (AKA: How Many Kids Do They Have?)

One. Each. Not making this easy on anyone. Care.com is starting to look pretty good. Side note but relevant-I just had an urge to see if a “true” Baby Sitter’s Club exists outside of the books. It doesn’t.

How Old is the One Child They Each Have?

This is a little tricky, y’all. Understandably, both men likely prefer to keep the lives of their loved ones (especially their children) under wraps (no pun intended unless it was funny), so little information exists on the kiddos. However, I once saw an episode of “24/7” where Canelo said that his daughter was born when he was a teenager. As I don’t know his exact age when she was born and we technically have seven years to work with, I’m gonna go with 15. Seeing as Canelo is now 27 years old (a slightly depressing fact when I think of all the bullshit I was doing at 27), that would make her 11ish, depending on her birthday. According to one of the scant sources I found online addressing the subject, GGG has a son in primary school and recently welcomed a daughter into the world. Even though GGG has more children, Canelo has more years of experience, so this round goes to him.

PSA-While doing research for this, I found an article referring to Canelo’s daughter as his “seed.” Outside of fertility clinics, this should probably never happen.  

Languages Spoken

I’m not a parent, but as someone who has seen parents in public with their children (and is the proud leasee of cable each month), parents seem to be OBSESSED with their offspring being multilingual. And why not? While being anything more than unilingual has been all the rage in pretty much every country besides the US for decades now, we’re finally starting to catch up. So of course, parents would want a sitter who can help little Jackie and Judy learn Blackfoot (the most metal language that came up when I googled “Names of Languages”).

In the Language Department (not a true department), Canelo speaks Spanish fluently and some English-very little though. GGG speaks four languages: Kazakh, Russian, German, and English.  While I’m super impressed that he speaks four languages, I’m going with a draw in this category. Yes, it’s crazy impressive that he’s quadrilingual, but when are my fictional children ever going to use Kazakh? German would be really cool to know for Oktoberfest, but in South Texas English or Spanish would more than suffice.

Ginger vs Sandy Blonde or Light Brown, Whatever Color GGG’s Hair is Dependent Upon Lighting

Since this is vital in choosing a caregiver for your loved one, I’ll spare any intro and jump right in.

Famous Male Redheads:

Seth Green-Most notable for his role as Kenny Fisher in “Can’t Hardly Wait.” Is also short and seems kind of funny.

Ron Howard-Who could look at Richie Cunningham and not automatically think of a warm blanket of trust and dependability?

Rupert Grint- Duh.

David Caruso-The cheesy, sunglasses wearing pseudo-badass on CSI: Miami who will never be as great as Gil Grissom.

Prince Harry-I mean, he’s a prince.

Famous Male Guys with GGG’s Hair Color: (Credit to Xazu 20 and the list “Beautiful Blonde Men” on IMBD for their assistance.)

Justin Hartley-He’s an actor of some sort.

Ryan Philippe-That dude who knocked up Reese Witherspoon.

David Beckham-Should have been at the top of this list.

Ashley Parker Angel-This guy who went “Girl name, boy name, porn last name” when choosing his celebrity moniker.

David Bowie-Fucking. Icon. (From a non-fan, even.)

Jason Mewes-Though I love him, I’m a bit (read: very) confused as to how he ended up on a list of “beautiful” men.  The incomparable Jay to Kevin Smith’s “Silent Bob,” he’s the offensive, druggie loudmouth we all love to-well love, really.

Canelo takes this one. Also, I think we’ve all learned that there’s a definite “put up or shut up” quality associated with being a redhead, as not one of those peeps is unknowable.

Who is Better at “The Game of Life?”

This question is not being posed in order to provoke thought or to be existential,  I just really want to know who is better at the board game “The Game of Life,” because that’s what you play when you babysit someone (or at least it was when I was being babysat  by people other than my brothers 20+ years ago OMG).  To be honest, I see Canelo as more of a video game guy. An X-Box player, really.  He probably thinks that board games are boring or beneath him, or even worse he plays “Risk.” GGG seems more willing to enjoy a riveting game “The Game of Life” with his charges, and probably picks the red car.  Dude might even play “Candyland” if you remember to add the word “please” to your request. Clear winner-GGG. 

The Verdict?

Going off of points alone, Canelo would appear to be the obvious choice. But, since I like GGG better I’m going with him for the win. (Strange turn of events, no?) Here’s hoping that’s not the only decision he gets this weekend.

PS-I’m fine with a knockout, too.

If you’re bored and on Twitter, you’d an find me at @littlejenna37, or by searching “Junk in the Trunks” on Facebook.

 

Coooooooooooottoooooooooo!

First off- no, I don’t mean MMA (or UFC).

Secondly-My favorite boxer isn’t Manny Pacquaio. 

This, my friends, is just a short glimpse into the life of a female boxing fan. When attempting to engage a new person in a conversation about the sport, I’m typically met with a sneer of some sort when the d-bag I’m talking to dismisses me as being just some cute lil thing trying to impress the big boys. Then comes the inevitable. The response I loathe. “Who is your favorite boxer, anyway? Mannnnyyy?” (It’s said just like that, too. If you really want the full effect, read it out loud, and if you don’t sound like a complete dickhead at first, re-read it until you do.) I tend to enjoy responding to this, especially in front of a larger group of people, because nine times out of ten the person has no idea who my favorite boxer is after I say their name. (Or in the case of a Facebook convo, who the dude in the picture with me is.)

Duh. Keith “One Time” Thurman.

The point can also be driven home by dropping a few other names obscure to your typical random asshat casual boxing fan, like so:

Amir Khan (stop laughing)

Brandon Rios

Kell Brook

Adrien Broner

Shawn Porter

Ruslan Provodnikov

And if you really want to sound like a boxing hipster, bring Cuba into the conversation. I guarantee that after throwing around an Erislandy Lara or (even better) a Guillermo Rigondeaux, you’ve pretty much won this fight. A couple of years ago, the same effect could have been achieved by dropping a Gennady Golovkin or (even) a Canelo Alvarez (shocking, especially in Texas, but it used to be so).

Or even this guy: Miguel Cotto. Not so much so in the past couple of years, but I can remember a time when he wasn’t as well known as he is now, at least not to your typical random asshat casual boxing fan (this needs to go on a t-shirt, by the way.)  It can be stated without argument that boxing fans have definitely seen a change for the better in Cotto’s style since he started training with Freddie Roach in 2012.  No longer a boxer (although he is more than capable of being one) but moreso a brawler, bringing action and, well, fun to his fights. (Unless you’re Geale. Pretty sure that wasn’t fun for him.) Roach has succeeded in bringing out the “raging bull” in Cotto, a goal he publicly set for himself when the pair announced that they would be joinng forces.

The same held true in Cotto’s bout against Australian Daniel Geale last night, when Geale went down in the fourth round after being hit with Cotto’s devastating left hook. After being stopped again in the same round, Geale shook his head “no” when asked by the ref if he was okay, and the fight was ended. I feel it’s safe to say that no one was truly suprised that the fight ended this way, with the real fun happening after the decision was announced.

Who does Cotto plan to fight next? Canelo. Not really a shocker to those who follow boxing, as the possibility of this fight had been announced weeks ago. The real surprise (to me, anyway) was when Cotto said that it would be “just another fight,” as Canelo is “just another fighter.”

Que?

Did Cotto miss that fight on 5/9? You know, that uneventful one (sarcasm, by the way) with the beautiful KO of Kirkland? I’m all about boxers down playing another fighter in order to psych themselves up, but if Cotto truly believes this I think we’ll all be in for a one-sided battle. If the fight even happens, that is.  Because Cotto has to take time off to spend with his family before committing to a date. Now, I’m all for taking time off to spend with one’s family (if you like them, otherwise I say screw it and go to Disneyland or something instead.) But dude is averaging one fight PER YEAR. That’s a lot of family time. Moreso even than the likes of other fighters such as Mayweather and Pac, who fight twice a year (as any typical random asshat casual boxing fan would know).

And even with Cotto’s new found offensive-strategy raging bull realness, a fight with Canelo will not be as easy as he may think. Granted, they’re both strong guys and both great fighters in their own likes. But Canelo has the combination of strength and youth behind him. And I know, I know, age isn’t everything, and B-Hop and all, but this combo in a fighter like Canelo could mean bad things for Cotto. Which is why I’m wondering if it happens in the first place. (And really, does Chris Algieri have plans next June? Because if Cotto’s trend of yearly first week in June only fights continues, he might). 

A potential fight with Gennady? I wouldn’t hold my breath on that one, folks. Not only did Cotto stammer out a bs response, it took him about 30 seconds to do so. Bottom line? He’s running scared of GGG, and with good reason, as he plans to retire soon and going out on a fight with GGG probably isn’t the best ending to an otherwise great (for the most part) boxing legacy. 

Finally, I can’t be the only one who caught the major shade Cotto was throwing at Max Kellerman after being asked if he was a middle weight fighter now.  That deserves a “Face Off” special of it’s own. (Does HBO even still do those??)

And for those of you who think I’m being too hard on Cotto, I’m actually a fan.  Had it been up to me, this guy would have been named Cotto. Instead, I let my husband name him. Taco Kawhi. (Texans.)

        Look! He’s being shy and moody, just like his would-be namesake!
Also-I’m on Twitter! You can find me at @junk_n_trunx 

Chocola-who?!

Nights like last Saturday prove to be the BEST fodder for fans who need a response to the ever-growing (ever-ridiculous) “boxing is dead” mantra that just won’t quit. We all knew that GGG was going to bring it (because really, has there ever been a time when he hasn’t), but I’m not sure that anyone was prepared for the show that was put on by Roman “Chocolatito” Gonzalez. In his debut on American television, the Nicaraguan heavy hitter stopped Edgar Sosa (and I use the term “stopped,” VERY loosely, y’all. More like damn near ended) in the second round of the bout using a relentless flurry of punches. 

Almost as interesting as the KO itself was the manner in which Chocolatito conducted himself afterward. Much like Canelo the week before, Chocolatito displayed great concern and care for his opponent; he stood near him after the KO, had his arm around him, and even rubbed his head in a gesture of friendship (huh huh). It appears as though the up and comers are cut from a different cloth from their predecessors, and we could be moving away from the days of the victor walking away from the, um, not victor, arms stretched toward the sky in jubilation all the while ignoring the grim scene behind him. (But isn’t that one of the things that is so loved about boxing? The great juxtaposition of the victor shamelessly celebrating a win, refusing to allow the grisly scene of defeat staring him in the face to mar the sweetness of the moment? While all the while knowing that the next time the roles could very well be reversed? But I digress.)

In his speech after the win, Chocolatito said that this was the reason he gets up at 4:00 in the morning to go to the gym, that this moment made it all worth it. I think that this kid is destined for greatness, folks. And I also think it’s going to be an amazing ride on the way there.  A fellow blogger (though I’m nowhere near the same league as him or his work, but if you haven’t yet checked out Saturday Night Boxing, you’re missing out) tweeted that he’d like to see Chocolatito on the same four times a year on HBO plan as GGG, and I couldn’t agree with him more. 

Gennady Golovkin vs Willie Monroe

I’d be extremely remiss in not mentioning the fact that we (or I at least) saw a different GGG than I’m used to last week. Yes, he was still a powerhouse. And a beast. And a badass. And every other adjective that could possibly be used in conjunction with his name. But he was also something else on Saturday, if even just for a millisecond-vulnerable. The fight started out the way that most expected it to-with Monroe on the canvas in the second round. (Not gonna lie, I had to work on Sunday and the thought of having two fights end in an explosive fashion in 30 minutes total was pretty appealing.)

But then Monroe got up. And went down again. And got up again (much to the surprise of the masses) and continued to fight. The guy showed a ton of heart, and even though it was clear that he was in over his head, gave it a really good go. He also nailed GGG a few times with some hard shots, and at one point it seemed as though GGG was standing in front of him and allowing himself to be hit as a strategy to wane Monroe’s confidence. True, GGG was pretty much walking through the punches, but it was apparent when he retreated to his corner that he was hurt. It was actually even evident during the ring, although scarce.

Despite his best attempts, GGG dominated Monroe in the 6th round, forcing him to the canvas. Monroe stayed down until the ref counted to 9, and after being chided for waiting too long to get up and asked if he could continue, Monroe uttered, “I’m done.”  

Now.

I’ve seen several people talk nonsense on social media about how Monroe “quit,” and while that’s all fine and good, I would challenge any of those people to continue going another six rounds with GGG after the beatdown that Monroe faced in the first half of that fight. Say what you will, but my ass would have been done halfway through the ring walk. It was an exceptional night for boxing, y’all. Whether you believe it was resurrected, zombified, or is as it’s always been, only this time with one new star shining much brighter. 

Gab: This Week in Boxing Chisme

Amid all of the boxing headlines from this week, I would be remiss in not mentioning that time that Floyd Mayweather broke the Internet with this picture:

Pactards chided him for this, stating that taking to the harsh Nevada wildnerness and doing some good old fashioned tree killing was a sign that he was intimidated by Manny. Flomos defended the champ, positing that this is a variation of a common boxing workout using a sledgehammer and a big ass tire. I’m aligned with most probable theory: that Floyd was doing this (and really every other aspect of his life) for attention. Who knows if this is the first time he’s done this and really, who cares?  I’m actually more upset that no one mentioned the fuzzy red ball on top of his TMT hat.

Also noteworthy this week is the mention that Floyd is refusing to agree to terms of a $5 million dollar fine for positive blood and urine tests in the upcoming months preceding the May 2 fight, a clause set forth by Pacquaio’s camp. This is kind of ironic, really, as it was Manny who initially refused the drug testing when the notion of the fight was first conceived six years ago (allegedly). This is also a contradictory move for Floyd, who has been kind of a pit bull for drug testing regulations. Both champs have reportedly already been tested recently, so I guess speculations could arise as to why he’s not agreed to a fine in the event of a positive result if he’s already complied with the testing. Of course, Bob Arum is doing what he does best in talking out of his ass in regards to demanding more money for a positive drug result, but we’ll see how far that actually gets.

Ugh, y’all. While I’m all for charity and I like the idea of Mitt Romney being knocked out; really, was Vitali Klitschko busy that day? Now THAT would be a fight. (And, you know, politician on politician).

Gennady Golovkin still wants to fight Miguel Cotto, and Miguel Cotto (and possibly Freddie Roach) are still running scared. I think I speak for the majority when I say that this fight will probably never happen, although I would love to be wrong. If it ever did happen, though, GGG would dominate Cotto (even in his new reincarnation as a “raging bull”) and with Cotto’s talk of impending retirement in the near future I doubt that’s how he’d like to go out.

Until next time, friends.