GGG vs Canelo: Choose Your Babysitter

Close your eyes, my friends (after you read this intro, that is) and picture with me the front door to your residence. The doorbell rings unexpectedly, you aren’t expecting company, and since you’re nothing like me you answer it anyway. On the front step are two very recognizable men, one in a suit and one in a shirt emblazoned with the initials “CA” (I assume this is their normal walking-around wear). From the outstretched hand of the suited man is a flier with the words “Need a Babysitter? Please call: …..” (only there’s really a number there not a bunch of dots).

The men in front of you are none other than Gennady Golovkin and Canelo Alvarez, and for some untold reason they’ve become babysitters.

Clearly, you’re a bit angry as they’ve ignored the “no soliciting” policy of the neighborhood. But you quickly forget this anger, as  at the very least they aren’t peddling the shitty Chinese restaurant up the street, an irritating occurrence you’ve become used to. And also-it’s GGG and Canelo. You politely accept the flier, shake hands with both, and close the door (after telling Canelo that he lost to Lara). Now you’re faced with a bigger problem: which one do you choose?

Luckily, I’ve done the hard work for you. After extensive hours of research on the subject, I present a comparison of how the two men stack up in the most crucially super important points to consider in selecting a sitter for your child. (Or adult. I don’t know your life. )  Read below to reach enlightenment:

Birth Order

Birth order could certainly serve as an important factor in choosing a caregiver for your child. After all, in multi-children households, who else do irresponsible parents often look to as a “suitable” caregiver but the older sibling? As the youngest child and only girl in the family, I was countlessly left in the care of my two older brothers- one of whom openly hated me (it’s not his fault, I was clearly the favorite) and the other who often took to pelting the-one-who-hated-me and me with pennies or anything else within arm’s reach when the mood struck him. (There were also several incidents that involved me being tied to a chair with my jump rope and a sock stuffed into my mouth because I was being “too loud and annoying” [lies], but there’s another time and place for those anecdotes.)

At any rate, even though the experiences frequently include incidents that one might equate to child abuse, baby sitting a sibling could easily provide one with the experience necessary to be a caregiver for a child. Unfortunately, for this particular dilemma, both are the youngest in their families. However, GGG IS a twin, and while I’m not certain who was born first I’m gonna go with it was him for the purposes of this article. Clearly, this puts him in a position of superiority over his seconds-to-minutes younger brother and gives him the upper hand in this category.

Number of Children Legally Assigned to Them (AKA: How Many Kids Do They Have?)

One. Each. Not making this easy on anyone. Care.com is starting to look pretty good. Side note but relevant-I just had an urge to see if a “true” Baby Sitter’s Club exists outside of the books. It doesn’t.

How Old is the One Child They Each Have?

This is a little tricky, y’all. Understandably, both men likely prefer to keep the lives of their loved ones (especially their children) under wraps (no pun intended unless it was funny), so little information exists on the kiddos. However, I once saw an episode of “24/7” where Canelo said that his daughter was born when he was a teenager. As I don’t know his exact age when she was born and we technically have seven years to work with, I’m gonna go with 15. Seeing as Canelo is now 27 years old (a slightly depressing fact when I think of all the bullshit I was doing at 27), that would make her 11ish, depending on her birthday. According to one of the scant sources I found online addressing the subject, GGG has a son in primary school and recently welcomed a daughter into the world. Even though GGG has more children, Canelo has more years of experience, so this round goes to him.

PSA-While doing research for this, I found an article referring to Canelo’s daughter as his “seed.” Outside of fertility clinics, this should probably never happen.  

Languages Spoken

I’m not a parent, but as someone who has seen parents in public with their children (and is the proud leasee of cable each month), parents seem to be OBSESSED with their offspring being multilingual. And why not? While being anything more than unilingual has been all the rage in pretty much every country besides the US for decades now, we’re finally starting to catch up. So of course, parents would want a sitter who can help little Jackie and Judy learn Blackfoot (the most metal language that came up when I googled “Names of Languages”).

In the Language Department (not a true department), Canelo speaks Spanish fluently and some English-very little though. GGG speaks four languages: Kazakh, Russian, German, and English.  While I’m super impressed that he speaks four languages, I’m going with a draw in this category. Yes, it’s crazy impressive that he’s quadrilingual, but when are my fictional children ever going to use Kazakh? German would be really cool to know for Oktoberfest, but in South Texas English or Spanish would more than suffice.

Ginger vs Sandy Blonde or Light Brown, Whatever Color GGG’s Hair is Dependent Upon Lighting

Since this is vital in choosing a caregiver for your loved one, I’ll spare any intro and jump right in.

Famous Male Redheads:

Seth Green-Most notable for his role as Kenny Fisher in “Can’t Hardly Wait.” Is also short and seems kind of funny.

Ron Howard-Who could look at Richie Cunningham and not automatically think of a warm blanket of trust and dependability?

Rupert Grint- Duh.

David Caruso-The cheesy, sunglasses wearing pseudo-badass on CSI: Miami who will never be as great as Gil Grissom.

Prince Harry-I mean, he’s a prince.

Famous Male Guys with GGG’s Hair Color: (Credit to Xazu 20 and the list “Beautiful Blonde Men” on IMBD for their assistance.)

Justin Hartley-He’s an actor of some sort.

Ryan Philippe-That dude who knocked up Reese Witherspoon.

David Beckham-Should have been at the top of this list.

Ashley Parker Angel-This guy who went “Girl name, boy name, porn last name” when choosing his celebrity moniker.

David Bowie-Fucking. Icon. (From a non-fan, even.)

Jason Mewes-Though I love him, I’m a bit (read: very) confused as to how he ended up on a list of “beautiful” men.  The incomparable Jay to Kevin Smith’s “Silent Bob,” he’s the offensive, druggie loudmouth we all love to-well love, really.

Canelo takes this one. Also, I think we’ve all learned that there’s a definite “put up or shut up” quality associated with being a redhead, as not one of those peeps is unknowable.

Who is Better at “The Game of Life?”

This question is not being posed in order to provoke thought or to be existential,  I just really want to know who is better at the board game “The Game of Life,” because that’s what you play when you babysit someone (or at least it was when I was being babysat  by people other than my brothers 20+ years ago OMG).  To be honest, I see Canelo as more of a video game guy. An X-Box player, really.  He probably thinks that board games are boring or beneath him, or even worse he plays “Risk.” GGG seems more willing to enjoy a riveting game “The Game of Life” with his charges, and probably picks the red car.  Dude might even play “Candyland” if you remember to add the word “please” to your request. Clear winner-GGG. 

The Verdict?

Going off of points alone, Canelo would appear to be the obvious choice. But, since I like GGG better I’m going with him for the win. (Strange turn of events, no?) Here’s hoping that’s not the only decision he gets this weekend.

PS-I’m fine with a knockout, too.

If you’re bored and on Twitter, you’d an find me at @littlejenna37, or by searching “Junk in the Trunks” on Facebook.

 

Gab: This Week in Boxing Ch-Ch-Ch-Chisme (3/23-3/27)

Disclaimer: I’m DWB (Drinking While Blogging) y’all, so this could get a little sloppy.

I need you all to know that in spite of the all of the May/Pac chaos going on, THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to me right now is that Amir Khan has called out Miguel Cotto. Miguel freaking Cotto. (At least there’s a fair chance that Cotto won’t try to dodge this one, amIright?)  Khan stated that he is eschewing (I do love that word) a fight with Kell Brook in favor of a bout with Cotto.  Will it happen? Who knows. Maybe, if Khan can keep his mouth shut and refrain from taking to Twitter to bitch about having to wait for a response. I think that this would be an easy fight for Cotto, honestly, which is why I’m predicting that he’ll take it. As much as I love Khan, I think that Cotto is stronger than him in a big way. Could make for a fun fight, though.

Nonito Donaire is fighting again this weekend in Manila as part of “Pinoy Pride 30” and to be honest, I’m not even sure it’s being shown in the US. It’s kind of sad, really. Dude is ESPN’s “Fighter of the Year” (and well deservedly so) in 2012, and then in 2013 gets his ass literally HANDED TO HIM by Rigondeaux (it’s in the outtakes-Rigo is like “here you go” and gives Nonito his {Nonito’s} butt) and his career is pretty much over. (Save for like, one other fight {that he lost} but y’all get what I’m saying.) Don’t get me wrong-I really like Donaire and thought he could have done big things, but it just wasn’t in the cards. The lesson to be taken from this: if you decide to fuck with a Cuban, at least prepare yourself ahead of time. Watch a few fight tapes beforehand or something. (Although I think it would be pretty cool if Donaire got into the fight commentary biz. I would love to hear his perspective on things. And really, could he be worse than Max Kellerman?) At any rate, I’m hoping for a Donaire win tomorrow.

Audley Harrison announced his retirement and I didn’t even know who he was until that happened. That’s all. (Apparently he’s British, for all you Harry Potter fans).

Hey y’all! Freddie Roach is talking shit again! (Seriously, we should take a drink every time that happens). Freddie has recently alleged that Floyd Joy was knocked out for 10 clean seconds by none other than famed Zab Judah, whom he hired as a sparring partner in preparation for his fight against Manny. Judah is denying this, but he’s also being paid by the Mayweather camp, so who’s surprised? Judah is a hell of a fighter, so even though I’m not sure I believe the story about the knockout, he’s a good candidate to pin it on. Conversely, Manny’s legs are cramping (again), and they’re working to solve the problem (again-although this time with $1,800 massaging cream) I have nothing clever to add to this.

In other Mayweather/Pac news: Kellerman thinks that Mayweather will win, Ronda Rousey things that Pacquaio will win, Khan thinks Floyd will win, Ludacris thinks that Floyd is focused, Hulk Hogan thinks it will be a draw, and yes, Bieber will be escorting Money May into the ring on the night of the big event. Bromances.

TMZ is reporting that the MGM Grand will be blocking all hotels aside from it’s 14 other properties in Vegas from showing May vs. Pac. In addition to the rumors this week that only 1,000 tickets for the fight are being released to the public, it’s looking more and more like “The People’s Fight” …um..isn’t the People’s Fight after all.

Kell Brook fights Jo Jo Dan (did anyone tell this guy that he has three first names and no last name) this Saturday. I could write a prediction article, but I’ll spare myself the embarrassment of being horribly incorrect on all of my predictions and will opt istead to write a review article after the fact. See y’all then.

Kovalev vs. Pascal

First and foremost y’all, where were the go-go dancers? Remember the last Pascal fight in Montreal, when there were scantily clad go-go dancers on platforms as if the arena was a cesspool of gluttony, sin, and fuckery? Wasn’t there even fire involved? (I could be making that last part up, but if there wasn’t then there should have been.) None of that this time. Go-go dancers and fire could have only made a positive contribution to the first two cards.

Chilemba v. Lepikhin

These dude’s last names are more interesting than their fight was. Seriously. I feel like the fight could be summed up in the following: Lepikhin should have listened to his daddy and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. (That’s me falling asleep because the fight was so boring).

Cunningham v. Glazkov

Glazkov will be remembered for two things during this fight: a robbery, and that homeboy was channeling some Justin Bieber realness y’all. (Or, as my husband so keenly observed “I think Glazkov used his Tinder profile pic for this.”) I’ll be honest, I tried to pay attention to this one, but it was pretty forgettable as well, although I do think it was more evenly matched than the first bout. Cunningham landed some really heavy shots, but apparently it wasn’t enough to sway the biased judges in his favor. The result was a Glazkov robbery. Ridiculous.

Also, Kennedy Cunningham’s story was heartwarming and inspiring. She is a true fighter and one resilient child. I loved watching the footage of her working the mitts with her dad. Such a neat family. I wish them all the best.

Kovalev v. Pascal

What a damn fight, y’all. This card more than made up for the first two, and I actually had to watch it a few times because I kept feeling like I missed something. Pascal is one tough guy with a lot of heart. I think he got lucky a few times and was able to regain his legs after being knocked clear (almost) out of the ropes, which contributed a lot to his being able to last as long as he did. I was in favor of the controversial stoppage, though. It was evident that Pascal was still stumbling around the ring like a drunk guy during the break, and he wouldn’t have been able to handle more damage from Kovalev (that hook, though! Flawless). In my opinion, the ref did right by protecting his fighter, even though I would have loved to have seen more. It seems like they may already be playing this up for a rematch sometime in the future, which would be a great fight.

This fight seemed oddly kid centered to an extent, what with the piece on Kennedy Cunningham and all the footage of Angel Pascal at ringside. I’m torn on the idea of the young children of boxers being ringside for the event. While I get the appeal of it, I also wonder how screwed up they could become from seeing their parent get so roughed up. (Anyone else remember the way that Cotto’s son reacted during his first fight with Margarito, when his face was basically a bloody mess at the end of the fight?) The announcers (particularly Lampley) seemed very focused on her presence, and the “Angel Pascal has left the building” was comical in a way. (Especially after she came back. The kid probably just had to use the bathroom and Lampley didn’t know any better. How would he know if she truly left the building, anyway?)

Finally, B-hop’s bottom-teeth-only showing smile that he kept flashing awkwardly at the camera while being interviewed by Lampley is something that should be turned into a drinking game for the next fight he announces.