I know, I know. It seems like kind of an odd comparison. But after doing extensive research on marine life (i.e.: I watch “Shark Week” annually) and observing the sadistic and creepy habits that are Kovalev, the two actually overlap in certain ways. I mean, sure, neither one could survive in the other’s respective environment without some serious plastic surgery, but aside from that the similarities virtually abound! Peep this:
6. They’re Both From Russia
That is, if the shark in question is a Hammerhead or a Pacific Salmon shark. (A close relative of the Mako shark, which according to the Discovery Channel is basically a giant asshole.) Blue Sharks, also found in Russian waters, are sometimes known for their “tragic attacks on swimmers and divers.” While I can’t say with certainty how Krusher views aquaphiles, it’s common knowledge by this point that he’s fairly well renowned for tragic attacks on his peers, too.
5. They Travel Long Distances to Feed
The Blacktip Shark, for example, migrates long distances for its meals. Much in the same way that Kovalev migrated to America to fight. To, um….make money to buy food with.
4. That Cold, Dead Stare
You know what I’m talking about:
It practically eats your soul
3. They’ve Both Amassed a Body Count
Sadly, following his sixth round knockout to Kovalev in 2011, Roman Simakov was hospitalized, lapsed into a coma, and died three days later. Much in the same way that “Jaws” was responsible for the deaths of all of those kids during his rampage at Amity Island back in 1974.
2. They Can Unhinge Their Jaws
….. Juuuuuust kidding.
But if Kovalev was open to learning, able to make it happen, and not afraid to live a deviant lifestyle I see a VERY lucrative side gig in his future.
1. They Stalk Specific Victims Rather than Attack at Random
According to the article, “Great Whites Hunt Just Like Hannibal Lecter” (I swear I didn’t make that up) one need look no further than last (last) Saturday night as proof of the same with Kovalev. Not only did he completely dominate Pascal without exuding much effort, Kovalev also openly admitted his intent to “punish” the fighter for running his mouth outside the ring, and didn’t even attempt to clock Adonis Stevenson (or Max Kellerman, because why not?) when he had the perfect chance to.
So kids, the next time you attend a Krusher bout, toss a wooden seal his way. You just might be surprised at what comes next. (But FYI, if he doesn’t leap to catch it in his mouth, it might be time to run like a motherfucker.)
Facebook: Search “Junk in the Trunks”
“Great Whites Hunt Just Like Hannibal Lecter,” Seth Borenstein and Science Writer. Abcnews.go.com
“Sharks in the Russian Seas,” en.sharkiller.com
“Sergey Kovalev,” Wikipedia.org