Why Rousey vs. Mayweather Will Never Happen

In the words of the immortal Tone Loc, “let’s do this.”

Unless you’ve been hiding from Bleacher Report or Facebook for the past month, you’ve undoubtedly heard in some form or fashion about the “beef” that’s been occurring between Ronda Rousey and Floyd Mayweather. (“Beef” is in quotes, btw, because it really seems like this is just Ronda being an attention whore and that Floyd is metaphorically swatting away the annoying fly without truly being all that angered toward her.) I really want this to go away, but I’ve also found that I apparently have strong feelings about this that just won’t quit; and as the old saying goes: “Those who can do, those who can’t teach, and the rest blog.” Or something like that.

First of all, there is no way in hell that Floyd or Floyd’s people (read: Al Haymon) would ever allow him to do this. This would be a PR nightmare for all involved. It doesn’t require exceptional mental prowess to understand that pitting a man convicted of domestic violence against his ex-baby mama in a ring with the intent to fight a woman is a bad idea. Period. And even if all of the VIPs in Floyd’s camp (read: Al Haymon) suffered a giant lapse in judgment, there isn’t a sanctioning body in the nation that would allow this fight to occur, BECAUSE IT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA. (Not even Texas, which is saying a lot. Of course, if the potential bout was JCC Jr. or Canelo vs. Rousey, Texas would be all over it. And Jr. or Canelo would win before even arriving at the arena. That’s just how we roll down here).

If, hypothetically, this fight were agreed upon by all parties, magically obtained a sanctioning body, and was actually going to happen, the next roadblock would be figuring out what type of fight it would be: MMA vs. boxing.  Before I go any further, I’d like to take a second to recognize the legion of rhinestone studded Affliction t-shirt wearing masses who have leapt at the opportunity to point out that “Ronda would kick Floyd’s ass in an MMA fight!” You’re probably right. (Take a screenshot of this, folks, and save it forever as it’s more than likely the only time that I’ll acknowledge and/or agree with MMA fans.) But it doesn’t matter, because I guarantee that this would be a boxing match.  And here’s why:

Yes, Ronda has become a nationally (internationally?) recognized phenom in MMA. Rightfully so. This chick has worked her ass off and earned her place at the top. She’s a beast. But she’s no Mayweather. She lacks the star power, notoriety, (love him or hate him, you’re still watching his fights, and if you say that you aren’t, you’re lying. The same can’t be said for Rousey.)and most importantly the money (TMT shoutout!) that is associated with a Mayweather fight. This man generates millions upon millions of dollars in ticket sales alone, not even counting what he makes in PPV sales, merch sales, or money from “All Access.” And as we all know, the dollar always wins.  I’m not saying that there wouldn’t be a multitude of arguments and contract negotiations between the two camps, because there would be. But Floyd would win in the end, because if he didn’t get his way, he would walk. And the whole thing would be just another pipe dream. (Hopefully much like Margarito’s recent push to get back into the ring, which would definitely be sanctioned by Texas.)

I would say that weight class would be an issue, but more than likely they would just fight under an agreed upon catchweight (which fight fans just LOVE but would be a necessary evil in this case) with a rehydration clause. I just felt like I should address it because I wrote “Weight Class???” as a potential barrier in my notes.

All jest aside, though, there lies a much bigger and important issue at stake here: feminism-to an extent, anyway.  (Bye, male readers! Thanks for sticking around for the first half!) As I’ve previously mentioned, Rousey’s is a household name now, and her fame and accolades are certainly well deserved. She’s become a hero to young girls, which is something I find appropriate. As someone who isn’t even an MMA fan, I have a lot of respect for her because she’s become such a prominent figure in a male-driven sport, and I wholeheartedly agree that her status as a mentor is appropriate. With all of that being said, does she really want to encourage to the girls who idolize her the idea that it’s okay for a guy to hit you (because let’s be real, Floyd would get a few hits in) if you’re being paid for it? Because that’s kind of the message that she’s sending. 

There’s also the fact that she hangs out with Mike Tyson, a convicted rapist. Regardless of your feelings about Iron Mike, the fact remains that he WAS convicted and served time. Much like Floyd WAS convicted and served time for his wrongdoings as well. Both men have multiple crimes against women under their respective belts (no pun intended), and although these crimes differ in nature they are very much equals in that respect. Why, then, is there no call to arms against Mike circulating various social media platforms? Eye for an eye, right? At least, that seems to be the antequated notion she’s operating under.  Maybe because that fight just wouldn’t be as lucrative. 

At any rate, I truly do hope that this nonsense is over now.  Because a marriage between these two sports (even if only for a night) is a bastardization that I just can’t handle. After all, I don’t even own a Bedazzler. 

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Kovalev vs. Pascal

First and foremost y’all, where were the go-go dancers? Remember the last Pascal fight in Montreal, when there were scantily clad go-go dancers on platforms as if the arena was a cesspool of gluttony, sin, and fuckery? Wasn’t there even fire involved? (I could be making that last part up, but if there wasn’t then there should have been.) None of that this time. Go-go dancers and fire could have only made a positive contribution to the first two cards.

Chilemba v. Lepikhin

These dude’s last names are more interesting than their fight was. Seriously. I feel like the fight could be summed up in the following: Lepikhin should have listened to his daddy and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. (That’s me falling asleep because the fight was so boring).

Cunningham v. Glazkov

Glazkov will be remembered for two things during this fight: a robbery, and this:IMG_0212

Homeboy is channeling some Justin Bieber realness in this pic, y’all. (Or, as my husband so keenly observed “I think Glazkov used his Tinder profile pic for this.”) I’ll be honest, I tried to pay attention to this one, but it was pretty forgettable as well, although I do think it was more evenly matched than the first bout. Cunningham landed some really heavy shots, but apparently it wasn’t enough to sway the biased judges in his favor. The result was a Glazkov robbery. Ridiculous.

Also, Kennedy Cunningham’s story was heartwarming and inspiring. She is a true fighter and one resilient child. I loved watching the footage of her working the mitts with her dad. Such a neat family. I wish them all the best.

Kovalev v. Pascal

What a damn fight, y’all. This card more than made up for the first two, and I actually had to watch it a few times because I kept feeling like I missed something. Pascal is one tough guy with a lot of heart. I think he got lucky a few times and was able to regain his legs after being knocked clear (almost) out of the ropes, which contributed a lot to his being able to last as long as he did. I was in favor of the controversial stoppage, though. It was evident that Pascal was still stumbling around the ring like a drunk guy during the break, and he wouldn’t have been able to handle more damage from Kovalev (that hook, though! Flawless). In my opinion, the ref did right by protecting his fighter, even though I would have loved to have seen more. It seems like they may already be playing this up for a rematch sometime in the future, which would be a great fight.

This fight seemed oddly kid centered to an extent, what with the piece on Kennedy Cunningham and all the footage of Angel Pascal at ringside. I’m torn on the idea of the young children of boxers being ringside for the event. While I get the appeal of it, I also wonder how screwed up they could become from seeing their parent get so roughed up. (Anyone else remember the way that Cotto’s son reacted during his first fight with Margarito, when his face was basically a bloody mess at the end of the fight?) The announcers (particularly Lampley) seemed very focused on her presence, and the “Angel Pascal has left the building” was comical in a way. (Especially after she came back. The kid probably just had to use the bathroom and Lampley didn’t know any better. How would he know if she truly left the building, anyway?)

Finally, B-hop’s bottom-teeth-only showing smile that he kept flashing awkwardly at the camera while being interviewed by Lampley is something that should be turned into a drinking game for the next fight he announces.