Beaches and Boxers

If you ask me on any regular day if my job is fulfilling, I’d probably say yes. Ask me the question during “Shark Week,” though, and it’s a hard no. A definite “naw.” A “fuck no,” even. Because during “Shark Week” no job is cooler than that of the adventurous, ginormous balls-of-steel possessing (or for women, like, tons-of-courage-having) shark researcher, underwater cameraman, or conservationist. Their “office” is the open sea and their co-workers are some of the most feared and misunderstood creatures on the planet.

(This might be true of your co-workers as well but it’s still nowhere near as cool).

There are definite similarities between the behavior of sharks and boxers, and it’s hard to tell which came first: Do boxers mirror the circular attack style of sharks about to demolish their prey after years of observing their successful tactics in the wild? Or do sharks mirror the circular attack style of boxers after a friend of theirs somehow rigged up an underwater television and they were able to score a decent stream for a Tyson fight years ago? The eternal question still unanswered, indeed.

Just as there are similarities between the fighting styles of sharks and boxers, the personality styles of boxers and marine/marine-related life in general tend to parallel each other as well. Certain types of sharks possess more aggressive tendencies toward humans than others, as certain boxers fight more offensively than others. Sharks migrate often, just as boxers travel often for fights. And some sharks are even banned from entering American waters due to (alleged) tax evasion charges. There exists cute and endearing marine life and some….that you just want to stay away from.

Angel Garcia in any form is something I’d like to avoid, and if I had to choose an animal adaptation for him it’d definitely be a seagull. He’s loud, annoying, and relentlessly tries to steal your food. Also, a seagull would absolutely frequent strip clubs with it’s offspring and revel in making it rain together.

(Fig. 1. A candid photo of Angel Garcia in the wild)

Teofimo Lopez is the seal of the boxing world. On a recent episode of the podcast “In This Corner,” when asked if his antics at the end of his fights are a celebration for himself or to entertain the audience, Lopez unabashedly confirmed that he likes to put on a show for the crowd. Although I’ve yet to see a seal do the dance from “Fortnight,” both Lopez and seals remain undefeated in their respective flip games.

Ever seen those fish that attach themselves to a larger shark or whale host to survive? Those are called remoras, and I can think of no one in the boxing community who better encompasses the remora than Gervonta Davis and Adrien Broner. Talent and effort notwithstanding, these two definitely wouldn’t have gotten as far as they did without (unsurprisingly) exemplifying everything bad about the Mayweather Promotions image.

(Fig. 2. There’s really no explanation needed here)

The Mako shark and Naoya Inoue are both fast, sleek, and aggressive toward humans when provoked. They both have names that start with the letter “M.” And if ever there were a shark that was edgy enough to pull off the orange-y hue that comes as a result of bleaching jet black hair, it’s the Mako.

I’ve been thinking for days about who could possibly compare to the greatest and most majestic sea creature in existence, the whale shark. True to it’s name, this shark is ginormous, beautiful, and extremely chill, and can be found swimming around with a wide open mouth catching krill. I’m not sure how he feels about krill and I’ve yet to see him walk around with his mouth constantly open, but this definitely reminds me of Anthony Joshua, also known for his majestic stature and undeniable good looks.


(Fig 3. Spot on, v. good depiction of a whale shark)

Manny Pacquaio reminds me of an octopus, because even though he does’t ACTUALLY have eight arms, he punches so fast that sometimes things get a little blurry and it looks like he does. Plus, octopuses are the politicians of the sea. Everyone knows that.

I’ve compared this next boxer to a shark in a previous post, but would like to officially recant that statement as he’s the one thing in existence that’s scarier than a shark, and that is the creepy eye-roll thing that sharks do when when they get close to a camera on “Shark Week” (and maybe at other times as well, but there’s no documented proof of this.) Congratulations, Sergey Kovalev, on being the walking, full-bodied adaptation of nightmare-inducing terror.

(Side note: Do y’all think girl sharks are like “bitch, why are you rolling your eyes at me?!” whenever that happens. And do shark parents tell their shark children that if they keep rolling their eyes like that they’ll get stuck that way? Ideas to pitch to Discovery for next year.)

Twitter: @littlejenna37

Six Things that Kovalev and a Shark Have in Common

I know, I know. It seems like kind of an odd comparison. But after doing extensive research on marine life (i.e.: I watch “Shark Week” annually) and observing the sadistic and creepy habits that are Kovalev, the two actually overlap in certain ways. I mean, sure, neither one could survive in the other’s respective environment without some serious plastic surgery, but aside from that the similarities virtually abound! Peep this:

6. They’re Both From Russia

That is, if the shark in question is a Hammerhead or a Pacific Salmon shark. (A close relative of the Mako shark, which according to the Discovery Channel is basically a giant asshole.) Blue Sharks, also found in Russian waters, are sometimes known for their “tragic attacks on swimmers and divers.” While I can’t say with certainty how Krusher views aquaphiles, it’s common knowledge by this point that he’s fairly well renowned for tragic attacks on his peers, too.

5. They Travel Long Distances to Feed

The Blacktip Shark, for example, migrates long distances for its meals. Much in the same way that Kovalev migrated to America to fight. To, um….make money to buy food with.

4. That Cold, Dead Stare

You know what I’m talking about

It practically eats your soul.

3. They’ve Both Amassed a Body Count

Sadly, following his sixth round knockout to Kovalev in 2011, Roman Simakov was hospitalized, lapsed into a coma, and died three days later. Much in the same way that “Jaws” was responsible for the deaths of all of those kids during his rampage at Amity Island back in 1974.

2. They Can Unhinge Their Jaws

….. Juuuuuust kidding.

But if Kovalev was open to learning, able to make it happen, and not afraid to live a deviant lifestyle I see a VERY lucrative side gig in his future.

1. They Stalk Specific Victims Rather than Attack at Random

According to the article, “Great Whites Hunt Just Like Hannibal Lecter” (I swear I didn’t make that up) one need look no further than last (last) Saturday night as proof of the same with Kovalev. Not only did he completely dominate Pascal without exuding much effort, Kovalev also openly admitted his intent to “punish” the fighter for running his mouth outside the ring, and didn’t even attempt to clock Adonis Stevenson (or Max Kellerman, because why not?) when he had the perfect chance to.

So kids, the next time you attend a Krusher bout, toss a wooden seal his way. You just might be surprised at what comes next. (But FYI, if he doesn’t leap to catch it in his mouth, it might be time to run like a motherfucker.)
Facebook: Search “Junk in the Trunks”

Twitter: @junk_n_trunx

e-mail: junkinthetrunks37@gmail.com
References: 

“Great Whites Hunt Just Like Hannibal Lecter,” Seth Borenstein and Science Writer. Abcnews.go.com

“Sharks in the Russian Seas,” en.sharkiller.com

“Sergey Kovalev,” Wikipedia.org

Kovalev vs. Pascal

First and foremost y’all, where were the go-go dancers? Remember the last Pascal fight in Montreal, when there were scantily clad go-go dancers on platforms as if the arena was a cesspool of gluttony, sin, and fuckery? Wasn’t there even fire involved? (I could be making that last part up, but if there wasn’t then there should have been.) None of that this time. Go-go dancers and fire could have only made a positive contribution to the first two cards.

Chilemba v. Lepikhin

These dude’s last names are more interesting than their fight was. Seriously. I feel like the fight could be summed up in the following: Lepikhin should have listened to his daddy and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. (That’s me falling asleep because the fight was so boring).

Cunningham v. Glazkov

Glazkov will be remembered for two things during this fight: a robbery, and that homeboy was channeling some Justin Bieber realness y’all. (Or, as my husband so keenly observed “I think Glazkov used his Tinder profile pic for this.”) I’ll be honest, I tried to pay attention to this one, but it was pretty forgettable as well, although I do think it was more evenly matched than the first bout. Cunningham landed some really heavy shots, but apparently it wasn’t enough to sway the biased judges in his favor. The result was a Glazkov robbery. Ridiculous.

Also, Kennedy Cunningham’s story was heartwarming and inspiring. She is a true fighter and one resilient child. I loved watching the footage of her working the mitts with her dad. Such a neat family. I wish them all the best.

Kovalev v. Pascal

What a damn fight, y’all. This card more than made up for the first two, and I actually had to watch it a few times because I kept feeling like I missed something. Pascal is one tough guy with a lot of heart. I think he got lucky a few times and was able to regain his legs after being knocked clear (almost) out of the ropes, which contributed a lot to his being able to last as long as he did. I was in favor of the controversial stoppage, though. It was evident that Pascal was still stumbling around the ring like a drunk guy during the break, and he wouldn’t have been able to handle more damage from Kovalev (that hook, though! Flawless). In my opinion, the ref did right by protecting his fighter, even though I would have loved to have seen more. It seems like they may already be playing this up for a rematch sometime in the future, which would be a great fight.

This fight seemed oddly kid centered to an extent, what with the piece on Kennedy Cunningham and all the footage of Angel Pascal at ringside. I’m torn on the idea of the young children of boxers being ringside for the event. While I get the appeal of it, I also wonder how screwed up they could become from seeing their parent get so roughed up. (Anyone else remember the way that Cotto’s son reacted during his first fight with Margarito, when his face was basically a bloody mess at the end of the fight?) The announcers (particularly Lampley) seemed very focused on her presence, and the “Angel Pascal has left the building” was comical in a way. (Especially after she came back. The kid probably just had to use the bathroom and Lampley didn’t know any better. How would he know if she truly left the building, anyway?)

Finally, B-hop’s bottom-teeth-only showing smile that he kept flashing awkwardly at the camera while being interviewed by Lampley is something that should be turned into a drinking game for the next fight he announces.