Beaches and Boxers

If you ask me on any regular day if my job is fulfilling, I’d probably say yes. Ask me the question during “Shark Week,” though, and it’s a hard no. A definite “naw.” A “fuck no,” even. Because during “Shark Week” no job is cooler than that of the adventurous, ginormous balls-of-steel possessing (or for women, like, tons-of-courage-having) shark researcher, underwater cameraman, or conservationist. Their “office” is the open sea and their co-workers are some of the most feared and misunderstood creatures on the planet.

(This might be true of your co-workers as well but it’s still nowhere near as cool).

There are definite similarities between the behavior of sharks and boxers, and it’s hard to tell which came first: Do boxers mirror the circular attack style of sharks about to demolish their prey after years of observing their successful tactics in the wild? Or do sharks mirror the circular attack style of boxers after a friend of theirs somehow rigged up an underwater television and they were able to score a decent stream for a Tyson fight years ago? The eternal question still unanswered, indeed.

Just as there are similarities between the fighting styles of sharks and boxers, the personality styles of boxers and marine/marine-related life in general tend to parallel each other as well. Certain types of sharks possess more aggressive tendencies toward humans than others, as certain boxers fight more offensively than others. Sharks migrate often, just as boxers travel often for fights. And some sharks are even banned from entering American waters due to (alleged) tax evasion charges. There exists cute and endearing marine life and some….that you just want to stay away from.

Angel Garcia in any form is something I’d like to avoid, and if I had to choose an animal adaptation for him it’d definitely be a seagull. He’s loud, annoying, and relentlessly tries to steal your food. Also, a seagull would absolutely frequent strip clubs with it’s offspring and revel in making it rain together.

(Fig. 1. A candid photo of Angel Garcia in the wild)

Teofimo Lopez is the seal of the boxing world. On a recent episode of the podcast “In This Corner,” when asked if his antics at the end of his fights are a celebration for himself or to entertain the audience, Lopez unabashedly confirmed that he likes to put on a show for the crowd. Although I’ve yet to see a seal do the dance from “Fortnight,” both Lopez and seals remain undefeated in their respective flip games.

Ever seen those fish that attach themselves to a larger shark or whale host to survive? Those are called remoras, and I can think of no one in the boxing community who better encompasses the remora than Gervonta Davis and Adrien Broner. Talent and effort notwithstanding, these two definitely wouldn’t have gotten as far as they did without (unsurprisingly) exemplifying everything bad about the Mayweather Promotions image.

(Fig. 2. There’s really no explanation needed here)

The Mako shark and Naoya Inoue are both fast, sleek, and aggressive toward humans when provoked. They both have names that start with the letter “M.” And if ever there were a shark that was edgy enough to pull off the orange-y hue that comes as a result of bleaching jet black hair, it’s the Mako.

I’ve been thinking for days about who could possibly compare to the greatest and most majestic sea creature in existence, the whale shark. True to it’s name, this shark is ginormous, beautiful, and extremely chill, and can be found swimming around with a wide open mouth catching krill. I’m not sure how he feels about krill and I’ve yet to see him walk around with his mouth constantly open, but this definitely reminds me of Anthony Joshua, also known for his majestic stature and undeniable good looks.


(Fig 3. Spot on, v. good depiction of a whale shark)

Manny Pacquaio reminds me of an octopus, because even though he does’t ACTUALLY have eight arms, he punches so fast that sometimes things get a little blurry and it looks like he does. Plus, octopuses are the politicians of the sea. Everyone knows that.

I’ve compared this next boxer to a shark in a previous post, but would like to officially recant that statement as he’s the one thing in existence that’s scarier than a shark, and that is the creepy eye-roll thing that sharks do when when they get close to a camera on “Shark Week” (and maybe at other times as well, but there’s no documented proof of this.) Congratulations, Sergey Kovalev, on being the walking, full-bodied adaptation of nightmare-inducing terror.

(Side note: Do y’all think girl sharks are like “bitch, why are you rolling your eyes at me?!” whenever that happens. And do shark parents tell their shark children that if they keep rolling their eyes like that they’ll get stuck that way? Ideas to pitch to Discovery for next year.)

Twitter: @littlejenna37

Six Things that Kovalev and a Shark Have in Common

I know, I know. It seems like kind of an odd comparison. But after doing extensive research on marine life (i.e.: I watch “Shark Week” annually) and observing the sadistic and creepy habits that are Kovalev, the two actually overlap in certain ways. I mean, sure, neither one could survive in the other’s respective environment without some serious plastic surgery, but aside from that the similarities virtually abound! Peep this:

6. They’re Both From Russia

That is, if the shark in question is a Hammerhead or a Pacific Salmon shark. (A close relative of the Mako shark, which according to the Discovery Channel is basically a giant asshole.) Blue Sharks, also found in Russian waters, are sometimes known for their “tragic attacks on swimmers and divers.” While I can’t say with certainty how Krusher views aquaphiles, it’s common knowledge by this point that he’s fairly well renowned for tragic attacks on his peers, too.

5. They Travel Long Distances to Feed

The Blacktip Shark, for example, migrates long distances for its meals. Much in the same way that Kovalev migrated to America to fight. To, um….make money to buy food with.

4. That Cold, Dead Stare

You know what I’m talking about

It practically eats your soul.

3. They’ve Both Amassed a Body Count

Sadly, following his sixth round knockout to Kovalev in 2011, Roman Simakov was hospitalized, lapsed into a coma, and died three days later. Much in the same way that “Jaws” was responsible for the deaths of all of those kids during his rampage at Amity Island back in 1974.

2. They Can Unhinge Their Jaws

….. Juuuuuust kidding.

But if Kovalev was open to learning, able to make it happen, and not afraid to live a deviant lifestyle I see a VERY lucrative side gig in his future.

1. They Stalk Specific Victims Rather than Attack at Random

According to the article, “Great Whites Hunt Just Like Hannibal Lecter” (I swear I didn’t make that up) one need look no further than last (last) Saturday night as proof of the same with Kovalev. Not only did he completely dominate Pascal without exuding much effort, Kovalev also openly admitted his intent to “punish” the fighter for running his mouth outside the ring, and didn’t even attempt to clock Adonis Stevenson (or Max Kellerman, because why not?) when he had the perfect chance to.

So kids, the next time you attend a Krusher bout, toss a wooden seal his way. You just might be surprised at what comes next. (But FYI, if he doesn’t leap to catch it in his mouth, it might be time to run like a motherfucker.)
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Twitter: @junk_n_trunx

e-mail: junkinthetrunks37@gmail.com
References: 

“Great Whites Hunt Just Like Hannibal Lecter,” Seth Borenstein and Science Writer. Abcnews.go.com

“Sharks in the Russian Seas,” en.sharkiller.com

“Sergey Kovalev,” Wikipedia.org