To All the Boxers I’ve Loved Before

Naoya Inoue, you’re my favorite boxer
Fans really like you, they call you the “Monster”
You’re small like me and your hair used to be orange-y
Everyone’s afraid of the power of your punchies
You knock out opponents like it’s no big thing
Usually right after the bell in the first few rounds goes “ding”
I’m not really sure how I should end this po-em
But just know that, to me, you are the bo-mb

Rios, Rios, you say “fuck” a lot
And that is something that I can really get behind
The End.

Mario Barrios you’re from San Antonio
Your name rhymes and that’s really cool-io
I’ve been a fan for about two years
We even took a picture together, in it I’m holding a beer (this happens a lot)
You’re 23-0, fo sho
From you I’m expecting years of greatness + mo

Teofimo Lopez, I think the English translation of your name is “Ted”
You got a lot of backlash recently for pretending that your opponent was dead
I didn’t see the big deal, it was part of your spiel
You also did a flip, just like a seal
You’re a badass, something real grand
A lot of damage has been done by your hands
You seem to me a real businessman, you box and put on a show
I hope that your time in the ring isn’t limited, though
And that you don’t lose to Lomachenko

Amir Khan, remember when Danny Garcia KO’d you in the third round?
Me too, that’s why I don’t like him.
End.

Saul “Canelo” Alvarez, I like your red hair
Some of your training happens in Big Bear
I’m going to stop writing about you for un momento
To mention that Shane Mosely lives in B.B. with his monkey, Tito
You met Tito on an episode of “All Access” if I’m not mistaken
Your affinity for whom there was no fakin’
I hope I’m not making this up because that would be weird
By other boxers you are quite feared
You’ve been given some wins that I don’t agree with, though
And also a horse by the mayor of Tepic, Mexico (according to Wiki)
This makes me a little mad, I want a horse too
If ever gifted a pig I’m not speaking to you

Keith Thurman, you like to play the flute
At your wedding you did not wear a suit
You took two years off and this made me real sad
I bet when you hurt your hand you were mad
You say funny things, but what you should know
Is that I think you lose if you fight Pacquaio

Gennady Gennadyevich Golovkin, you have have a really cool name
The first and middle are almost the same
In the past, you fought David Lemieux
I like his hair, it looks really cool
I also like you, I like box, I like Max
That loss to Canelo I felt was some crap
You definitely won the first fight that’s for sure
That victory was stolen by Adelaide Byrd
I completely forgot that you have a twin
I’m not sure the world can handle two GGG-like men

Oh Loma, what else is there to say?
A rare individual you are every day
You’re funny and endearing, you sure charm a crowd
Sometimes when you land a punch it is loud
As I write this my dog is snoring
Nothing about your fights is ever boring
You have a good attitude while training it seems
If you start one, Usyk should be on your dance team
Your footwork is great, it’s really advanced
It’s also fun to watch you do headstands

Twitter: @littlejenna37

Beaches and Boxers

If you ask me on any regular day if my job is fulfilling, I’d probably say yes. Ask me the question during “Shark Week,” though, and it’s a hard no. A definite “naw.” A “fuck no,” even. Because during “Shark Week” no job is cooler than that of the adventurous, ginormous balls-of-steel possessing (or for women, like, tons-of-courage-having) shark researcher, underwater cameraman, or conservationist. Their “office” is the open sea and their co-workers are some of the most feared and misunderstood creatures on the planet.

(This might be true of your co-workers as well but it’s still nowhere near as cool).

There are definite similarities between the behavior of sharks and boxers, and it’s hard to tell which came first: Do boxers mirror the circular attack style of sharks about to demolish their prey after years of observing their successful tactics in the wild? Or do sharks mirror the circular attack style of boxers after a friend of theirs somehow rigged up an underwater television and they were able to score a decent stream for a Tyson fight years ago? The eternal question still unanswered, indeed.

Just as there are similarities between the fighting styles of sharks and boxers, the personality styles of boxers and marine/marine-related life in general tend to parallel each other as well. Certain types of sharks possess more aggressive tendencies toward humans than others, as certain boxers fight more offensively than others. Sharks migrate often, just as boxers travel often for fights. And some sharks are even banned from entering American waters due to (alleged) tax evasion charges. There exists cute and endearing marine life and some….that you just want to stay away from.

Angel Garcia in any form is something I’d like to avoid, and if I had to choose an animal adaptation for him it’d definitely be a seagull. He’s loud, annoying, and relentlessly tries to steal your food. Also, a seagull would absolutely frequent strip clubs with it’s offspring and revel in making it rain together.

(Fig. 1. A candid photo of Angel Garcia in the wild)

Teofimo Lopez is the seal of the boxing world. On a recent episode of the podcast “In This Corner,” when asked if his antics at the end of his fights are a celebration for himself or to entertain the audience, Lopez unabashedly confirmed that he likes to put on a show for the crowd. Although I’ve yet to see a seal do the dance from “Fortnight,” both Lopez and seals remain undefeated in their respective flip games.

Ever seen those fish that attach themselves to a larger shark or whale host to survive? Those are called remoras, and I can think of no one in the boxing community who better encompasses the remora than Gervonta Davis and Adrien Broner. Talent and effort notwithstanding, these two definitely wouldn’t have gotten as far as they did without (unsurprisingly) exemplifying everything bad about the Mayweather Promotions image.

(Fig. 2. There’s really no explanation needed here)

The Mako shark and Naoya Inoue are both fast, sleek, and aggressive toward humans when provoked. They both have names that start with the letter “M.” And if ever there were a shark that was edgy enough to pull off the orange-y hue that comes as a result of bleaching jet black hair, it’s the Mako.

I’ve been thinking for days about who could possibly compare to the greatest and most majestic sea creature in existence, the whale shark. True to it’s name, this shark is ginormous, beautiful, and extremely chill, and can be found swimming around with a wide open mouth catching krill. I’m not sure how he feels about krill and I’ve yet to see him walk around with his mouth constantly open, but this definitely reminds me of Anthony Joshua, also known for his majestic stature and undeniable good looks.


(Fig 3. Spot on, v. good depiction of a whale shark)

Manny Pacquaio reminds me of an octopus, because even though he does’t ACTUALLY have eight arms, he punches so fast that sometimes things get a little blurry and it looks like he does. Plus, octopuses are the politicians of the sea. Everyone knows that.

I’ve compared this next boxer to a shark in a previous post, but would like to officially recant that statement as he’s the one thing in existence that’s scarier than a shark, and that is the creepy eye-roll thing that sharks do when when they get close to a camera on “Shark Week” (and maybe at other times as well, but there’s no documented proof of this.) Congratulations, Sergey Kovalev, on being the walking, full-bodied adaptation of nightmare-inducing terror.

(Side note: Do y’all think girl sharks are like “bitch, why are you rolling your eyes at me?!” whenever that happens. And do shark parents tell their shark children that if they keep rolling their eyes like that they’ll get stuck that way? Ideas to pitch to Discovery for next year.)

Twitter: @littlejenna37