What If Wladimir Klitschko Was Your P.E.* Teacher?

While I understand that this would probably NEVER be the case, and that having a Doctoral degree in Sports Science in no way relegates one to teaching P.E. classes, humor me. After all it could always happen, although probably in some alternate universe where he wasn’t a multi-millionaire and Vitali wasn’t the current mayor of Kiev.

First (and in my opinion, most important), would his name be Dr. Klitschko or Dr. Steelhammer? Because if I’m a tenth grader who has just received my class schedule you can be damn sure I’m not going to any gym class taught by a Dr. Steelhammer. (Or a Dr. Klitschko, to be fair. Or just any P.E. class in general, I hated sports back then.) Aside from the fact that the name Dr. Steelhammer is intimidating as is, let’s not ignore the pornographic implications that come (pun intended [Also-Editor’s Note-It’s really hard  (SEE?!) to write that sentence without some sort of sexual innuendo being attached to it]) along with a name like Dr. Steelhammer. I would imagine that trying to get through a semester with Dr. Steelhammer would be akin to constantly attempting to ignore a giant silver cock in the room.  His name itself would present the daunting, semester-long task of refraining from dick jokes and awkward giggling. (And I’m sure there would be absolute hell to pay for all of the giggling in the form of push-ups. Oh push-ups.)

But it’s not like Dr. Klitschko would be any better. Ukrainians are scary, and anyone who disagrees is either Ukrainian or hasn’t seen “The Orphan.” (And sidenote, what is the deal with Klitschko family nicknames? “Dr. Ironfist?” NO. At what point were “Dr. Klitschko” and “Other Dr. Klitschko” ruled out as potential monikers?)

Second, the guy (and his brother) are on a freaking postage stamp. The 2010 Ukrainian stamp, to be exact. How do you even begin the feat of impressing someone at that level of athletic prowess with your feeble attempts at Kickball? Not happening. I wonder if Kickball is even allowed in the Klitschkonian Era (again, humor me) of P.E., or if it’s nothing but that weird exercise with a sledgehammer and a tire or the Ann Wolfe form of training using pads and a truck. (Shoutout, Texas!)

And supposing Kickball (or any other team sport) were allowed under Klitschko’s reign, how on Earth would teams be picked? In the normal fashion, by appointing team captains or assigning numbers or perhaps more in the Shirley Jackson form of lottery? (Which I suppose would truly only work if you had an uneven number of students, anyway.)

Last (although this might not seem important), the guy speaks four languages. FOUR. What if he decides to switch things up one day and busts out in a new language that no one understands? And THEN, what if he made everyone who didn’t understand that language do push-ups as punishment?! I guess if you’re looking on the bright side, everyone would be swole. But at what price?

At what price?

Still on the Twitter: @junk_n_trunx

*P.E.=Physical Education, for those of you who aren’t down with South Texas slang. We can’t be bothered with a lot of syllables here, y’all. It’s hot.


Gab: This Week in Boxing Chisme

Amid all of the boxing headlines from this week, I would be remiss in not mentioning that time that Floyd Mayweather broke the Internet with this picture:

Pactards chided him for this, stating that taking to the harsh Nevada wildnerness and doing some good old fashioned tree killing was a sign that he was intimidated by Manny. Flomos defended the champ, positing that this is a variation of a common boxing workout using a sledgehammer and a big ass tire. I’m aligned with most probable theory: that Floyd was doing this (and really every other aspect of his life) for attention. Who knows if this is the first time he’s done this and really, who cares?  I’m actually more upset that no one mentioned the fuzzy red ball on top of his TMT hat.

Also noteworthy this week is the mention that Floyd is refusing to agree to terms of a $5 million dollar fine for positive blood and urine tests in the upcoming months preceding the May 2 fight, a clause set forth by Pacquaio’s camp. This is kind of ironic, really, as it was Manny who initially refused the drug testing when the notion of the fight was first conceived six years ago (allegedly). This is also a contradictory move for Floyd, who has been kind of a pit bull for drug testing regulations. Both champs have reportedly already been tested recently, so I guess speculations could arise as to why he’s not agreed to a fine in the event of a positive result if he’s already complied with the testing. Of course, Bob Arum is doing what he does best in talking out of his ass in regards to demanding more money for a positive drug result, but we’ll see how far that actually gets.

Ugh, y’all. While I’m all for charity and I like the idea of Mitt Romney being knocked out; really, was Vitali Klitschko busy that day? Now THAT would be a fight. (And, you know, politician on politician).

Gennady Golovkin still wants to fight Miguel Cotto, and Miguel Cotto (and possibly Freddie Roach) are still running scared. I think I speak for the majority when I say that this fight will probably never happen, although I would love to be wrong. If it ever did happen, though, GGG would dominate Cotto (even in his new reincarnation as a “raging bull”) and with Cotto’s talk of impending retirement in the near future I doubt that’s how he’d like to go out.

Until next time, friends.